Sunday, January 20, 2013
I’m sitting here in snow bound Britain in the sure and certain knowledge that northern Europe (and the Yanks) are wondering what all the fuss is about.
British airports close, the roads close, most of our schools close, and cars drift into ditches. Where they stay for the duration. Let’s face it, this country has closed shop, we’ll get back to ya ‘all.
It is hardly worth mentioning the trains, the network never runs properly. I expect the Krauts are laffing into their furry mittens at this very moment.
Scotland is excused, they do snow all the time, poor sods.
The news has been enlivened by interviews with Council officials who pontificate that (a) they are well prepared, and (b) can’t be expected to forecast the fall of snow.
Not true, the Met Office does a good job with this forecasting lark - we know when, where, and HOW MUCH.
Doesn’t help any, folks can’t get to work and spend hours shivering at stations or stuck in their cars.
Business suffers through lost work as we slide on black ice, deeper into recession.
For those of us who still live in the real world we got recession, whatever crap, Boy David is mouthing to camera.
What am I going to do? Going outside to build a large and politically incorrect snow lady.
Give the neigbours something to choke over eh?
Friday, April 27, 2012
Every man needs a shed, there is no doubt about it; a kingdom, an entire universe that he can rule well away from her indoors, and reminders about those jobs around the house.
Monday, April 11, 2011
If this trend goes on I’ll be looking at my boiled egg only to see a little smiley face beaming at me.
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Thursday, January 06, 2011
Now that the festive hols are over and the Christmas tree gets shoved back in the loft, blokes all over the country heave a sigh of relief and hurry off to places like B&Q, or any DIY they can find.
You see them pacing the store, brows furrowed in deep thought as they consider the merits of anodised bolts or plated screws, so happy to be free of domestic woes, the turkey that crisped a tad too much or the unwanted gifts from family.
And the Missus is still smouldering cos she didn’t get those hair straightners or the sparkly little trifle she had pointed out, very carefully.
Big Mistake, yes indeed, so he escapes to B&Q to get on with the things that matter like the new garden shed, or the essential refurbishments for the garage; no bloke can manage without a well equipped garage and I’m not talking about the car.
No one is going to bug them with unwanted reminders or suggest they get on with enhancing the kitchen, or ‘Do you need any help, Sir?”
Not in B&Q I can tell you, as the staff are either invisible or down the Job Centre, so it’s peace, folks, total peace.
But not for the couples who have decided to tackle the biggie, the NEW KITCHEN.
One of you has at be in charge, and I suggest to all the blokes that it’s left to the Missus or your life is going to be hell, the sort that never ends.
Just watch Madame as she goes into kitchen details, the hob, the dishwasher, the self cleaning sink and the toaster that lights up, but try to stay awake because it’s you that will be paying.
Don’t follow the example of our chum, telling his wife just what they need and would have, how this kitchen was really great, and so on. The expression on his wife’s face said it all.‘Kill, Kill, Kill
Poor sod, quite oblivious that his wife wasn’t on the same page, had left the room, and she will never ever forgive him.
Believe me, she won‘t.
Wander as a cloud or maybe a six throttle Black & Decker through the spaces of your DIY store, but leave the kitchen to your Domestic Goddess, and practice chanting every day,
“Yes dear, No dear, whatever you say, dear” and if you must, “Three bags full, dear.”But the last mentioned, is best kept silent, don’t you think?
Red Fred, who is not a bloke or red, likes to rant; in fact has a Diploma in it. Has no interest in helping little old ladies across the road or kissing babies.
Boil babies? Of course
Red Fred 2005 -2011
Friday, December 31, 2010
As we crawl out of the other side of Christmas falling over a mound of tinsel, paper and dying mince pies, there is a sense of surprise, that we are still here.
The world hasn’t ended and we have to get on with the business of greeting the New Year.
Round about this time of year, folks who never take any notice of what us humble populace want or like, suddenly want to share their thoughts with one and all.
Of course there is our own dear Queen, this year she was fluting away in those eggshell vowels of hers about the value of Sport.
Sport? When the Public sector in this country is collapsing into a series of savage cuts, we wanna take to the Sports fields? I don’t think so. Then there was the Pontiff, who also made a speech: let me see now, God is a good thing and he wants to hug us, the Pope that is. Note to self; if the Pope comes here again, avoid Papal hugs.
Last, our Prime Minister, dear Davy Cameron gave us all a kick in the pants by sharing his Christmas thoughts: basically ‘things are going to be tough’.
Us great populace would never have guessed, would we, after all, there is only the continuing downturn in the British economy, the continuing loss of jobs and the continuing rise in the price of consumer goods.
We do a lot of continuing over here in the UK you know, we continue to put up with it: we can’t even take to the streets and protest with the enviable flair that the French show in troubled times. Change the pension age? No way, ‘C’est la guerre mon ami!” and the streets of Paris fill up with angry citizens who bring the city to a standstill.
Us Brits have different priorities, we know what the real issues are, oh yeah .
So empathise with the lady in Kent who dialled 999 to report the theft of a snowman outside her house.
She had used pound coins for the eyes and teaspoons for the arms, and as she said herself
"It ain't a nice road but you don't expect anybody to nick your snowman."
The police didn’t see the funny side of that but I’m sure you lot do, so with that thought I’ll bid you all
A Happy New Year.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Some deluded folks think you can be a fashion plate in winter, keep warm and still be a Vogue cover girl
Not true – in winter the young ladies wander around in skimpy t-shirts and something my beloved calls a curtain pelmet, but is really a skirt.
Quite, but that’s blokes.
I came across an article by one of these deluded people, but she’s a journalist, which kind of says it all. The items in her wardrobe could send me on holiday, several holidays in fact, so I’m sure she can be a fashion icon.
Have I got such head gear, yes I have and it’s furry as well.
In countries where snow is a serious business, people dress to suit the climate, everyone looks like a rubber tyre on legs and you wear them thermal undies, yes you do, but no one makes jokes about your Long Johns.
Of course they think us Brits are staring mad, we can’t dress properly but if we want to look blue and pimply with cold, that’s our misfortune.
I agree with the journalist’s comment
‘When tempted by The Military Look, remind yourself You Are Not In A Fashion Shoot’ but need to think about her passion for red coats. Must be thinking of Father Christmas.
If you see a shortish person in long red coat and furry hat with flaps, flapping...
Then it might be me – or Santa.
Expecting a picture of said hat are you?
Live in hope
Quotes from The Guardian - Saturday, 30 October 2010.
Monday, November 01, 2010
I have given up with the coaxing of the garden, there is no more so I guess we are about to enter our Winter of Discontent.
There is no more in the Councils' money box.
Up and down the country, councils look for ways of saving money they haven’t got. If the Government believes these bods can save millions in the year, they are dreaming.
But that don’t stop the morons threatening us all with cuts that will be ineffective, and worse, harm us all.
A little chip here, another chip over there – and a few part- time jobs go in the trash can leaving kids without help in school, and some poor sod looses benefit. But still disabled, you know and no amount of Cameron’s clap-trap will restore life to dead limbs.
As these politicians trot back to their country homes, pick up their snotty children from school (private), do they worry about us?
Of course not, and I expect some bastard is still creaming cash off us tax payers to finance the lifestyle he/she enjoys.
What we should do is begin a campaign of UTWS.
Useless time-wasting suggestions to stop the Government in its tracks, it will be so busy the councils will be left in peace.
And let me be the first bod to put up a suggestion
‘All road signs should match the surrounding environs, for example signs should be colour toned with the autumn foliage, so that everything….’blends’, yeah, just blends.’
Good one, don’t you think?
Sunday, October 24, 2010
As the garden closes down at this time of year, hard to believe that it will come back to life.
It is an Act of Faith to plant corms and bulbs, pushing them into the cold soil and watching the frost decimate the last few blooms before everything packs up for winter.
I’m not sure about the power of positive thinking, but willing to try.
Each bulb gets buried in the soil with an injunction to “Show up next Spring you bugger, or Else!”
They must be sitting there laughing at the idea - such optimism.
Wish I could say the same about the politics of this country – no Act of Faith will turn our present Government from their chosen path.
The Tories have reverted to their old beliefs, that a few swishes of the cane will make the feckless and undeserving poor, jump to it and work harder, without asking for help.
It’s in the DNA of the Tory party to implement stinging cuts in State Services, so the poor, the old, get less, of education, of health care, basic requirements.
For the Tories, it’s the same old song and they follow the path of their Ancestors.
Politicians use new phrases, but underneath, it’s the same animal; punish them all for needing help, those without a chance, don’t have any hope, you don’t deserve it.
And any one who does ask for benefit must be a scrounger.
Some are, but not all of us.
We can plant tulips and crocus for the Spring, keep some faith, and be optimistic.
A pity that our current masters can't offer anything at all.
Friday, July 02, 2010
The garden has been taking a great deal of my time, and you can banish any ideas of gently communing with nature.
It's war, folks, just war – every time you go into a garden centre, guess where people head for?
The Killing Zone
The Killing department gives no concession to tree huggers, bee lovers, insect collectors, nope, don’t’ try to save the planet just eradicate the little critters. Buy your choice of poison and water all those lovely flowers.
I have yet to meet anyone who loves the lowly slug; if you do, don’t write to me, as I declared a holy war on the horrible mollusc some time ago.
Last year, the buggers destroyed practically everything I planted – so, stuff ‘em and throw blue pills everywhere.
With gardens, you don’t win it all – my sunflowers never got to their promised 10 feet and the butterflies have refused to visit me.
Ungrateful, I call it.
If the ladybirds don’t make use of the special house wot I have purchased, there is going to be trouble.
You think I can’t frighten a ladybird?
Monday, May 17, 2010
I think I have just about recovered from the election campaigns – of course the Labour Party made whimpering noises, nothing new there. The feeling in Britain is that Labour deserved to lose, sometimes us taxpayers bite back.
(I won’t mention the low life that don’t..’pay’) Much.
'Your place or mine?"
However, us, the great unwashed electorate did not deserve the spectacle of the Tory (that’s your Republicans, you Yanks) leader, David Cameron practically kissing the Lib Dem leader every time a camera came near them.
No wonder Mr Clegg and his Lib Dems decided to be friends with the Tories, what fun, all those parties and freebies, yum yum, yum.
The Twins then made beaming noises at us and the Press, promising that a hung Parliament was NO problem at all, no no, no.
A week before that, Cameron was quoted as saying that it ‘would be a disaster’ for the country, just a complete disaster you know.
My, doesn’t the song change?
The television pundits nearly choked themselves with excitement, gazing avidly at reportage of the new alliance, chortling away.
“Look!” screeched one of them “Look! He’s patting Nick Clegg!” Yes, there was David patting Nick.
“Oh doesn’t that body language look amazing!” breathed another; if you get excited by two blokes gazing at each other, I guess it does.
The bravado and the hype have a short life, and when Davy and Nicky (I expect they are on buddy buddy terms by now) get down to the gritty stuff, we will find out if this pairing is going to work.
I suspect not, more so for the Liberal Democrats, who will get sidelined and largely ignored. Inter-Party squabbles will become commonplace.
And for the rest of us?
Life goes on much the same - Bills, bills, and more bills.
Monday, March 01, 2010
Run for the hills, if you live in the UK right now. We are heading for several months of pre -election garbage and I don’t intend to be giving much space to any of the political mouthings in the future.
It promises to be a dispirited and lack lustre campaign on either side of the political fence, with a weary electorate who have seen the last 3 years plagued by economic doom, and the sight of empty spaces in the High Street.
Brown has begun making speeches that veer from ‘You never had it so good’ to ‘Give us a chance’ which is Labour‘s best effort and doesn’t deliver any hope whatsoever.
His opposite number, David Cameron, who comes from the old rich families so beloved by the Conservative party in this country, has been telling his party that it is their patriotic duty to throw the current government out.
No, he just wants the top job.
And there are the rest of us, trying to make our bank accounts balance (and failing) pay off our credit cards (and failing) and induce our beloveds to finish off those chores that have been hanging around for a few years (and failing).
Not being politicians, we are unable to make the bank manager believe that
a) We can claim it all as justifiable expenses
b) Make our beloved understand that his/her, prospects are in considerable danger if he/she, doesn’t pull a finger out.
Or have said finger pulled out, instead.
Find something else to enjoy for the next few months.
Bury your pot of gold in the garden and stock up on some good DVD’s. After all politics and reality seldom make good bedfellows.
Well, never actually
Sunday, February 14, 2010
‘Nearly Spring’ I keep hearing - these folks must be in a state of delusion: I rush into the garden expecting to see an outburst of flowering plants. Do I see any such thing? No.
I have plants, but they are mostly non- flowering you know. Leaves yes, flowers, no.
As winter got going, I bought some ‘Winter Flowering Pansies’ Here is my picture of these wonders.
Not a flower in sight eh? They have been like that all winter. Producing leaves. Wonderful.
Still, mustn’t worry, plant some bulbs, yes, they got flowers: so I stuffed the bulbs into a couple of tubs.
Here is my picture of the tubs.
Nothing, zero, nada, bugger all - the greenery is one onion which started itself in my kitchen and two parsnips, likewise. If the daffs ever appear, they can fight it out between them.
The snow came down, didn’t mind that, at least it was quite pretty -when the white stuff melted away, I was gratified to see several green shoots in the garden, no flowers of course, but green leaves, oh yes.
However, on the next day, guess what? One lone snowdrop. Here is a picture of the snowdrop, in case the unbelievers amongst you, don’t believe me.
The snow came down soon after that, so the effect is ‘understated’, subtle, that’s the word I want. There are still things growing in the garden. Here is a picture of something growing in the garden.
No, I don’t what it might be, hafta wait and see won’t you?
Saturday, January 23, 2010
It would be a good idea for the pundits to shut it, at least for the next 6 months, as two major companies in the UK announce the loss of jobs in the thousands.
No one is going to cheer the experts on as they promise us a rosy, and wealthy economic outlook.
Eon chose to fabricate a jargon laden excuse for the sacking of their workforce in Essex, with a ‘suit’ blabbing away to camera. I’m sure he will continue to enjoy his company car, and his nice house in a good area, before he moves on to another position, with a nice car and a nice house….I guess you get the picture.
In harsh contrast, Cadbury fell to the mighty dollar as Kraft flexed their financial muscle, but the result was the same.A massive loss of jobs, and a loss of tradition as well.
Sad as that may be, tradition has no defence against the economics.
The same day, we were treated to our resident incompetent, Prime Minister Gordon Brown, assuring the House (and us) that the Government would do everything they could to ensure that the newly jobless would be given work experience so that they could all skip gaily on to the next job.
Use a space to think here, which is more than Gordon does – folks who have lost their job, do they need more work experience?
No. They need a job.
‘Simples’ as Aleksandr would say.
Work experience is the great con-trick of our time, it takes the unemployment figures down, and in six months time the so- called ‘experience’ comes to an end.
It’s back to the job centre as the politicians beam and pat themselves on the back, cos’ they are Doing something.
Goodness Gracious Me.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
I’m sure that everyone has finished Christmas with a credit card that is going ‘crash and burn’ all the way to the bank; but feeling quietly satisfied that they have acquitted themselves with honour in the prezzi department; like a friend of mine who is glowing smugly as her brother wanted a new bird feeder, and that’s what he got – the lucky blighter. Apparently he was thrilled.
Me myself? I am the proud owner of a new ‘hoodie’, it seems I fit the profile, and that’s all I’m saying. I do like the very long sleeves, so I can hunch my shoulders and scrunch my hands together, in approved anti-social mode.
Of course, the vivid stripes of pink and green do make one rather visible
However, I did hit the bull’s eye with this, yes, the glorious Sheep Shaggers’ beer; it made the perfect gift and I expect that the lucky recipient will write a heartfelt letter of thanks to Santa.
Best if he does, eh?
And before anyone replies with indignant and outraged protests about sheep, and their rights, let me assure you that I am very fond of sheep, I think they’re very sweet, and tasty as well.
That's as far as the interest in sheep goes, thank you
Lastly, here is a picture of my latest Hat, which will induce feelings of envy in all who see it. And a Happy New Year to you all.