Sunday, March 19, 2006

More Mutterings Under the Hairdryer



Off to see Kelly, who does things to me barnet, and mixes potions, about which she tells me now’t.
Just slaps it on me head, and leaves me to wonder what’s happening,

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While I cook under the heater, we discuss life, well, men actually if you must know, and I read OK, or is it Hallo, can’t tell the difference.

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“It sez here” I read out to Kelly as she arranges family life over the phone, “It sez here that you put on weight at the beginning of a relationship.”
She nods “Meaning that once he’s stopped with the flowers and the chocolates, you can loose the weight.”


I consider that one, damn, I have no quarrel with chocolate. “Pity, that” I sigh and we both stop to listen to Debbie, her assistant who is laying down the law to her beloved.


He’s just had his freedom of movement revoked, and as Kelly remarks “That told him. Don’t you feel guilty Debbie?”
Debbie puts the phone down “No.”

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We both look at her, hoping for an explanation. “I told him” she expands “That he could go IF he wanted, but we are supposed to be saving for the wedding, and the house.”


Yeah well, we can all read that one, even blokes can. If they want to.
Kelly surmised that tone of voice said it all, and Debbie smirked “Offered to drive him there as well.”


We snigger and Kelly takes up the curling brush having remembered my hair is still unfinished.
“The thing is” she pronounces “Us women are dominant” waving the brush round to prove her point “It’s true isn’t it?”

She is so right.

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Debbie adds ‘Of course I trust him’ pause…’Now’ Kelly forgets about me hair and we wait for the rest.

“Used to go round his place real early, to catch him if in case he had girls there But I know he’s all right now.” Says Debbie, looking like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, all flower faced.


Flower Face adds “When we ‘re married, I’m taking his credit cards off him.”


Kelly ponders her strategy if Hubby two- times her. “I’d kill him” she decides finally.
Well that would sort it out wouldn’t it?
Like Kelly sez ‘Us women are dominant.’


Yep, read this and Believe.




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Friday, March 10, 2006

Bankers are Wankers



I may have lost a tooth, but I have not lost me bollicking marbles, no I have not

My brain cells still click over

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So why do I get the Idiot’s Reception as soon as I put feet inside the bank, huh?

Confront the cashier, "I want to set up a new Debit.”

Sounds simple, does it not? Mais non, mes amies.

It seems one must proceed to the ‘Welcome’ desk.

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I am met by a specially trained graduate in Smarm. She, neatly clad in executive style suit, nods and hands me a Form.

Yes all right it’s just a form.

Then I get the punch line from the smarm lady.

“Shall I fill in it for you?”

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EXCUSE ME?


There is a frozen silence, and a frozen pause while I wonder if I’ve lost me hearing as well as me tooth (wisdom tooth, and any funny comments, you gets hexed)

With gritted teeth, decline, and fill in the form

ALL BY MYSELF.


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Bankers..bunch of friggin’ wankers.
Yep.


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Thursday, March 02, 2006

Bugger The Tooth Fairy




Well it looks like all the shit stuff happens tomorrow

The council say I owe them money from last year, so will I please trot along in the morning and they will tell me how many bank vaults I need to empty

Yep.

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And when I’ve obliged…. That’s not the end of it, oh no.

Me Dentist wants to deprive me of a wisdom tooth, and another little toothypeg

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I pay HIM for that, and bugger the tooth fairy, where is she when you want some help?

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In bloody Barbados I expect.

I had better read this book real quick…except I can’t afford it. Damn.


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