Monday, April 24, 2017

Don't Mess With Grandma













The generation of tough Grannies belongs to a generation that grew up after the second 

World War; I tell you, Grannies were made of iron and their rule was iron as well.

The universal marker seems to be that Grandmothers were small of stature but tough as old 

boots; most of them lived into their nineties, and if children wanted to survive, you did as 

you were told, oh yes.


Grandma was viewed with a mixture of fear and wonder: the rules of the house were laid 

down by her, and everyone knew it.

One such Grandma had the dinner ready by the appointed hour, no if’s or buts. If any of her 

daughters were kept in at school, retribution was swift. Off came the apron, and Gran 

marched down to the school.

“You, the dinner is on the table, home!” When the teacher protested the answer was “You

have my girls ‘till four. After that it’s my time, not yours.” So there; after Gran had broken 

the teacher’s cane, I guess that teacher knew she was beaten.


I’m sure that religion was a factor; God could see everything you did, so behave, or else you 

were in trouble. For that reason, children did all they could to make sure that parents (and

Grandma) never got to find out what their offspring were doing. God might, but that didn’t 

matter. Don’t get caught, words to live by you know.


That didn’t work for one young lad who made a rough version of a sleigh with wheels that 

he nicked off a pram. After he and a mate had terrorised the entire street racing down the

hill, no brakes of course, his Mum seized an axe and chopped the sleigh into bits of 

matchwood. She was four foot nothing, obviously a Gran-in-Training.

They don’t make them like that any more.


The lore of Grandma is an old one: think about the story of Red Riding Hood. For pity’s 

sake, the Grandmother is bloody terrifying: the core of this tale is that Grandmothers are

terrible things, they want to eat you, they have these teeth and you have to placate them

with gifts, mostly food.



Someone back in the mists of time was tortured or nearly eaten by a hungry Grandma. If you

 stop to count them up there are a lot of very angry Grannies in those “fairy stories.’

Worried? Damn right you should be.


No wonder kids look at Grandmother sideways.


Just as I was sure that tough Grannies are a thing of the past, I began to wonder – talking to

one of the post war children, now a grandmother herself.

She had a run-in with the grandson; before he went off in a huff she told him “I won’t 

forget, and I shall be waiting.” So she waited, and as he floated past her in a teenage dream, 

Granny jumped him. Oh yeah.


When asked why, Grandmother replied “Because I did remember, and I am not stupid.”


Result Grandmother 150 points. Teenage grandson – Null, Zero, Nada.

That child has learned a valuable life lesson.

 'Don’t Mess With Grandma.'

  Yep.


                                               





                                         

Monday, March 06, 2017

If Life Was A Rainbow











Let us go and live in La La land; no, I do not mean the movie, rather the world of television advertising.

In moments of stress I want to be in television land where all you have 

to worry about is, how clean is your sink, how clean is your dog, child, 

whatever.

The weekly wash day is transformed into a singing, dancing affair 

with ladies in green tights – I think there are some blokes in it but not 

sure about the tights.

When the doorbell rings, I rush to the door, open, and greet some 

hunky guy who wants to check my fire extinguisher.

"Hi ya.."



I’ve got news for you; if Hunky Guy wants to extinguish my fire, then 

come right in.

But at the crucial moment….Yes! Big problem, is the toilet absolutely

spotless?

In the world of Reality, are you really, really going to give a tea-leaf 

about the sodding loo? If it was for real, you and he are heading for the

bedroom, and if life was a rainbow, you would be tearing that shirt off 

his manly torso.



All right, not the shirt but you get the idea ?


You have to come back to Planet Earth in the end - machines break 

down, things stops working, and it’s time to find a Person to Fix -It.

Of course the Fix It Person, is out, terribly busy, will ring you back.

When they do, make damn sure to be waiting for him.


In television land this is where the Hunky Guy appears at your door, he 

has a mega watt smile, abs and pecs to die for, and underneath 

that shirt, the muscles ripple.

A deep husky voice asks if he can help; you bet, come right in.


Wake Up.

What you actually get is a wrinkly guy, of mature years, in scruffy blue 

overalls and a toothy smile – just the one tooth you understand. He

carries a bag of clanking tools and leaves mud on the carpet.


To make sure the work gets done, you listen to a long (and painful)

recital of all the problems he struggles with, and how hard life is.



Bite your lip - do not mutter “Problems? Keep it to yourself, why don’t 

you?”

If he wants tea, don’t throw it at him, it won’t go down too well.

When Mr Wrinkly has finished telling you what a good job he has done,

and goes, at last, just nod, and shut the door – quickly.


There is the Postman of course – OK, my Postman is short, and rotund 

I have to say. He wears shorts in all weathers, and they are a tad 

baggy. But I see those Legs twinkle down the road in the morning, and 

my day acquires a Sparkle.

How sad is that?

Yep












Sunday, February 26, 2017

Don't Be A Zombie








One of the joys of British politics is the sheer madness of our 
politicians; we have plenty of nutters, lets be honest. By contrast,
Britain has a long history of splendid, dignified, traditions that should
guarantee the holders of public office also behave with dignity, or gravitas; but it doesn’t.

Want to look for the nutters? No better place than the House of 

Commons, with its members, and chief among them,  Speaker of the House.

The Hon. John Bercow, elected in 2009, by his fellow MP’s is a the

latest example; torrents of outrage and abuse ensued when our 

Speaker announced that he would not invite President Donald Trump to

address the House if he visits this country.

Speaker, Mr John Bercow


Given the torrents of vitriol that began with the President’s election

from residents of the United Kingdom, (and elsewhere) I am amused to

read that various Members of Parliament became so offended that they 

called for Mr Bercow’s resignation.

It seems that the Speaker crossed over the line of Impartiality.


In theory the Speaker is party neutral, and John Bercow is now listed 

as ‘no party affiliation’. But he was a Conservative MP, and I am 

sure that his heart and mind will be Tory to the end. Maybe not his most

glorious moment, but not the end of democracy either.


I quote Mr Duddridge "I think there will be a vote of no confidence and I think he will go.
Daily Telegraph 2017/02/12


No, I’ve never heard of this MP, and I don’t expect we will hear of him

again. After that many and various crimes were cited.

Financial Irregularity – more than one MP is guilty of that, nothing new 
there.

How Mr Bercow voted in the EU referendum – It was either Yes or No wasn’t it?

A target of censure?


As his office said, he is entitled to vote, and nothing to do with his role 

as Speaker. Politics attracts many extroverts, nutcases, and idealists,

and it makes for a rich mix.

It is a mix we should all enjoy and keep alive, so sod anyone who 

longs for political correctness which adds up to a living death, and do 

you want to be a zombie?

The members who voted John Bercow into this post knew very well the 

sort of Speaker they would get, of course they did.

No good moaning about it now, got what they paid for wouldn’t you

say?

As the MP, John Whittingdale told the Telegraph ,John was elected with a very firm pledge that he wouldn't stay for more than eight or nine years, and we are pretty much getting close to the end of the that period. So, I wouldn't expect him to stay for much longer." 

Dream on sunshine, dream on.

None of you will be surprised to hear that at the time of writing, John

Bercow is, guess what? Still the Speaker of the House.

Yep.



 http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/02/12