Monday, April 11, 2011

Is My Egg Happy?


Need all the brain cells firing when you go shopping these days – gone are the days of just buying the bread, the milk and the eggs. Basic foods are now multi-choice, bread with nuts, bread without.  With added fibre or just the bog standard white stuff?
Can’t even just buy brown or white, it come in mixtures so you can have beige bread - if you want.

And eggs are complicated you know, I’m sure you didn’t; we have large and then very large, and Extra Large.
Sometimes, you can find eggs so large it makes you wince, well, think what it did to the hen. Enough to make your eyes water don’t you think?
No hen with feelings could sit there producing mammoth eggs without a great big squawk of protest.
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Supermarkets get up to all sorts of tricks, and the deception begins well before the egg gets to the carton. Not content with the hen clucking her heart out, the buggers try to fool us into thinking that she enjoys it. Yes they do, why else would the cartons be labelled HAPPY EGGS? We are being misled, that’s what.

Think about it –each little bundle of egg is so happy, and the hen is smiling from ear to ear as she lays another size 8 egg? I don’t think so.
If this trend goes on I’ll be looking at my boiled egg only to see a little smiley face beaming at me.
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It’s the stuff of nightmares
Yep.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Get Ahead Get a Torch



A word of advice to all you folks out there; go, get yourself a torch because we are entering The Age of Darkness. For real.
Where I live, we will be in darkness as the council has decided to turn all the road lights off ‘except the essential ones at junctions and roundabouts’.
So we can all creep up the road in the dark can’t we?
One local lady complained about the lack of lighting down her street, and guess what?
She was told to get herself a TORCH!
There you are nothing to worry about is there? No good if we do as you, me and the rest of the populace can jolly well look after ourselves.

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It seems that in some parts of the country, the police won’t go out in the dark as it is too dangerous; and there we were thinking the police are employed to protect us. Afraid not, it seems that our coppers can’t face the darkness; in Wisbech, Cambridgeshire, officers will not patrol a playground plagued by teenage hoodlums.

A senior officer told stunned councilors there would be no patrols after 8pm at newly-built Waterlees Park in Wisbech, Cambridgeshire, for health and safety reasons.”

The Inspector said his staff couldn’t go into the Park at night as …get this, ‘They can’t see where they’re going”
Understandably the council was stunned by this pearl of wisdom, and one council chappie asked” Don’t they carry torches?’
NO, that’s what the rest of us have to do, Councilor and the police are going to stay indoors with all the lights on.

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But the Cambridge police did say that if a crime was committed they would turn out and ‘take appropriate action.’ So that’s all right then, don’t you worry none.
But get a torch – a stonking great big one, you’ll going to need it.
YEP

 Source/Mail Online Monday, Jan 31 2011


Thursday, January 06, 2011

Yes Dear, No Dear



Now that the festive hols are over and the Christmas tree gets shoved back in the loft, blokes all over the country heave a sigh of relief and hurry off to places like B&Q, or any DIY they can find.
You see them pacing the store, brows furrowed in deep thought as they consider the merits of anodised bolts or plated screws, so happy to be free of domestic woes, the turkey that crisped a tad too much or the unwanted gifts from family.


And the Missus is still smouldering cos she didn’t get those hair straightners or the sparkly little trifle she had pointed out, very carefully.Photobucket


Big Mistake, yes indeed, so he escapes to B&Q to get on with the things that matter like the new garden shed, or the essential refurbishments for the garage; no bloke can manage without a well equipped garage and I’m not talking about the car.

No one is going to bug them with unwanted reminders or suggest they get on with enhancing the kitchen, or ‘Do you need any help, Sir?”
Not in B&Q I can tell you, as the staff are either invisible or down the Job Centre, so it’s peace, folks, total peace.
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But not for the couples who have decided to tackle the biggie, the NEW KITCHEN.


One of you has at be in charge, and I suggest to all the blokes that it’s left to the Missus or your life is going to be hell, the sort that never ends.
Just watch Madame as she goes into kitchen details, the hob, the dishwasher, the self cleaning sink and the toaster that lights up, but try to stay awake because it’s you that will be paying.

Don’t follow the example of our chum, telling his wife just what they need and would have, how this kitchen was really great, and so on. The expression on his wife’s face said it all.
Kill, Kill, Kill



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Poor sod, quite oblivious that his wife wasn’t on the same page, had left the room, and she will never ever forgive him.
Believe me, she won‘t.
Wander as a cloud or maybe a six throttle Black & Decker through the spaces of your DIY store, but leave the kitchen to your Domestic Goddess, and practice chanting every day,

“Yes dear, No dear, whatever you say, dear” and if you must, “
Three bags full, dear.”But the last mentioned, is best kept silent, don’t you think?
Yep.

Red Fred, who is not a bloke or red, likes to rant; in fact has a Diploma in it. Has no interest in helping little old ladies across the road or kissing babies.
Boil babies? Of course

Red Fred 2005 -2011

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