Don't Mess With Grandma

The generation of tough Grannies belongs to a generation that grew up after the second 

World War; I tell you, Grannies were made of iron and their rule was iron as well.

The universal marker seems to be that Grandmothers were small of stature but tough as old 

boots; most of them lived into their nineties, and if children wanted to survive, you did as 

you were told, oh yes.

Grandma was viewed with a mixture of fear and wonder: the rules of the house were laid 

down by her, and everyone knew it.

One such Grandma had the dinner ready by the appointed hour, no if’s or buts. If any of her 

daughters were kept in at school, retribution was swift. Off came the apron, and Gran 

marched down to the school.

“You, the dinner is on the table, home!” When the teacher protested the answer was “You

have my girls ‘till four. After that it’s my time, not yours.” So there; after Gran had broken 

the teacher’s cane, I guess that teacher knew she was beaten.

I’m sure that religion was a factor; God could see everything you did, so behave, or else you 

were in trouble. For that reason, children did all they could to make sure that parents (and

Grandma) never got to find out what their offspring were doing. God might, but that didn’t 

matter. Don’t get caught, words to live by you know.

That didn’t work for one young lad who made a rough version of a sleigh with wheels that 

he nicked off a pram. After he and a mate had terrorised the entire street racing down the

hill, no brakes of course, his Mum seized an axe and chopped the sleigh into bits of 

matchwood. She was four foot nothing, obviously a Gran-in-Training.

They don’t make them like that any more.

The lore of Grandma is an old one: think about the story of Red Riding Hood. For pity’s 

sake, the Grandmother is bloody terrifying: the core of this tale is that Grandmothers are

terrible things, they want to eat you, they have these teeth and you have to placate them

with gifts, mostly food.

Someone back in the mists of time was tortured or nearly eaten by a hungry Grandma. If you

 stop to count them up there are a lot of very angry Grannies in those “fairy stories.’

Worried? Damn right you should be.

No wonder kids look at Grandmother sideways.

Just as I was sure that tough Grannies are a thing of the past, I began to wonder – talking to

one of the post war children, now a grandmother herself.

She had a run-in with the grandson; before he went off in a huff she told him “I won’t 

forget, and I shall be waiting.” So she waited, and as he floated past her in a teenage dream, 

Granny jumped him. Oh yeah.

When asked why, Grandmother replied “Because I did remember, and I am not stupid.”

Result – Grandmother 150 points. Teenage grandson – Null, Zero, Nada.

That child has learned a valuable life lesson.

 'Don’t Mess With Grandma.'

  Yep.