What planet do these Television morons inhabit? I am really hacked off with switching on the box and frantically channel hopping, just to avoid one of those sodding TV Cookery programmes.
Not only are there more of the bloody things, but they have got worse. Confronted by some silly bint called ‘Jilly’ who runs around like a hysterical chicken, I knew my blood pressure was shooting off the scale. ‘Silly Jilly’ did I hear you say, bloody right.
Silly Jilly seems to think that it's necessary to scuttle from pot to pot, screeching as she goes, things like ‘Oh well done!’ and ‘I say, isn’t that fabulous!”
(These remarks are for the benefit of two 'Celebrity' assistants, who smile inanely every time the camera swivels in their direction)
Let me just add, she has a voice like a corncrake, and you get the picture. For Christ’s sake, it’s not rocket science to put foodstuffs in a pot, and friggin’ cook ‘em. Is it?
Of course, we had to be socked with one of the ‘Celebrity’s’ giving us his earnest opinion on how ‘Life-changing’ all this had been, and ‘I wouldn’t have missed this for the world, I have learnt such a lot’. All delivered in one of those extra low voices, that indicate profound emotional bullshit.
If Mr Celebrity has learnt how to be a complete prat, then I’m very happy for him.
Today was no better.
Thinking I might check the news, I got blasted with yet another TV Cook slot. Bloody hell, three guys sitting in a studio discussing the ‘motivation’ of their ‘cooks’ who were trying to prove who should win the competition.
It seems that ‘Roland’ was a hot contender, as he had….wait for it kiddies, as our Roland had ‘Grown so much in his personal development’.
Perhaps we should engage in meaningful interaction with the boiled cabbage, or something.
I vote for the carving knife, myself.
Only one judge even mentioned the food, and wanted the best cook, to win. Isn’t that surprising? Of course she didn’t win, far too normal, was our Helen.
She said sadly ‘I thought my food, looked like food.’
Quite so.
All the judges were men. Bunch of farts.
Yep.
10 comments:
Whilst I appreciate Red Freds frustration, I think she misses the point of these programmes. They are specifically aimed at us ex grammar school boys who never got the chance to attend a *domestic science* class. As a consequence we are inept *or total incompetents* at the culinary arts. These programmes give us a chance to find out what we've missed, and try to make up the deficit.
Take me, for instance. As a result of tv cookery programmes, I've discovered that I am a culinary disaster area.
So it has encouraged me to live off burnt porridge, get an elf in to cook at weekends *not good, but better than starving* and I eat out a lot...
I wish salmonella and e-coli and dysentery to the lot of the sanctimonious buggers *cackles and stirs cauldron - the cement mixer is out of action*
Haw, haw...
I expect you are very very grateful, to this kindly elf .....or put it this way. You had better be very very grateful.
Ok Kid? Jolly Good.
How did you manage to go from celeb cooking to house elfs ( or are they elves) all in one post and two comments.
Myself, I am a big fan of Ray Mears bushcraft and I can skin and cook an elephant in ten minutes and provide tv dinners for twemty.
And haw haw and a cackle jus fer luck Fred me ole mate.
We wimin don't unnerstand dis, Freddie dahlint. You see, slave in da kitchen all mornin' and put food on da table in time fer lunch when all dem laddies come scurryin in to devour every bit of it wiv a joyful display of irritatin' table manners, then scurry out as fast, leavin' da empty dirty plates fer ya to occupy another wee hour with, that is unqualified and unpaid and derefore wimins work.
Prance in front of a tv camera ruinin' foodstuffs while talkin' rot, then throw the result in da bin an' go home to da angel elf who got real dinner ready in the meantime pays exceedinly well an' therefore is qualified men's work.
See now?
Delicia has gone insane at last. of course us men are the best cooks. *cackles*
Well Master Zaphod, it's like this -our Mr Kid obviously has a very nice and kind elf, who cooks delicious meals for him, without said elf being famous, or on TV.
Ten minutes for elephant steaks is 'interesting', but...can you whip up a Moouse pie in 30 nano seconds...I think not.
And loose the cackle, mate...
Loose it.*polishes knuckle-dusters*
I can see Delicia has a firm grasp of the realities, here. I hope she throws the pots at these bounders, (cads & toe-rags) if they so impose on her good nature..um...well, whatever it is, then.
As for you, Zap, since your cooking benefits so greatly from the use of a micro-wave oven, I suggest you scuttle back to your TV dinner a la Sainsbury's....
*glare* And not a Cackle from anyone. NO cackle, NO haw-haw.
Er, Zaphod, mate. Can I order up a couple of takeaway moose-on-a-stick for next Friday? So's I can show my kitchen elf how things SHOULD be done.
Oh, yes. Maybe an Ostrich Omelette as well *cackle cackle!* sorry *CACKLE,CACKLE* - I forgot Ostriches were bigger birds *and I do like a big bird... Haw, haw*
OUCH!!! Who did that?
Me
(smile)
I did that
Now try breathing
(smile)
I'm with you, red fred. We don't need this proliferation of television shows telling us how to cook, though I remember the Galloping Gourmet was fun to watch when I was a kid.
Mr. Wonderful insists I'm a great cook, though I'm pretty sure he goes on like that so I'll get dinner out of the way so we can get on to better things...like bed linen ;)
no elves or elfs though.
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