Blokes like to build things, yeah they do. But it has nothing, absolutely nothing with getting things fixed around the house.
Bugger all, in fact.
What Blokes mean by doing something useful, is written in a different language, and it surely ain’t mine. This is a picture of a bloke having an idea. It should be obvious to the meanest intelligence, that It will not help you. What It really wants to do, is go to a hardware store.
To have fun.
Looking at endless boxes of screws, and nuts, and bolts, and lengths of cable. Then he has to consider the Project. Please note, it is a ‘Project,’ and nothing to do with you, or the broken pipe in the bathroom.
And then…he must Think.
The Missus, makes the mistake of warning the bloke, that she wants him to actually do some work. Bad mistake, real bad mistake.
He reacts badly….
Very badly….
But the lure of B & Q (that’s our hardware store, for you Yanks) grabs him. Don’t be simple, that smile means zilch, zippo.
“Just off to B & Q, dear”
And off he goes, beaming at you. Don’t smile back, it’s a waste of muscle power.
Some folks believe that life is good, that ‘He’ is gonna mend the roof, fix the kitchen sink, whatever. It’s a dream, it will not happen.
This guy is a fantasy. Believe me.
After hours of nail gazing, nail thinking and pondering, the Bloke will return, nailess of course, to consider his options. He has a happy hour, or two, maybe three. And not a single bloody nail gets hammered.
You want stuff fixed? Join a class, learn some plumbing, better than ‘Improve your French’ any day of the week. Yep.
The Pirate...
Wanted to go to the Boat Show
So off we went. It was great fun, and there were folks who talked about boats
Serious stuff, and these two bods obviously were planning the Great Trek – or something.
And some people who …’talked’
Or looked at Boats…
And dreamed about Boats.
I rather liked this one…
And fell in love with this one. I wanted the Pirate to have a boat named ‘The Black Pig’ but he didn’t want to play Capten’ Pugwash, drat him.
This lady was wheeling and dealing, bet she sold a storm: as for that bug-eyed creature, is it humanoid? Doubt it.
Some folks took the selling game, more relaxed, and …'waited'.
It was a lovely day… the sun came out, and stayed out: the Band had a pre-session discussion
All I needed was this comfy looking boat with cushions: a tall glass of something sparking and….
Someone to do the rowing, please?
Nope. No Way.More to see, so orff we went..for a boat trip.
And that's another story.
‘Through the leafy lanes of summer, we will go” wrote the poet, and I’m sure some literary bods will know where I lifted that from. I surely don’t. And while they’re at it, check if I quoted it right. Probably not.
Yesterday, I walked down this particular leafy lane to the river, simply to gawk at the boats and the people.
Someone had given up on bathing any more…and slung the bath out.
Everyone was down by the River, There were the cops talking to the lock keeper…
Along with a very interested cyclist, who seemed to have no qualms about evesdropping.
And when they had done their little chat, trotted back to the boat. I resisted (with considerable difficulty) the urge to hum ‘A Policeman’s lot is not a Happy one..Not a Happy One!” Very sorry to Mr Gilberts and Sullivan, sorry.
There were the geese who wanted to be fed…..
‘Got a young family to support yu’ know!”
And the lock keeper’s dog who was doing stuff all. Really he’s a walking carpet, and that’s about it.
Some people worked on the River
and some people ran by the River
A big boat came down towards the lock. Too big.
No, I don’t know why that dipstick on the towpath was taking a photo of me. (I hope chummy pays up for the copyright). So the boat turned round.
With a very interesting 7 point turn.
Lots of boats of different sizes filled up the lock And one lone lady canoeist.
When the gates opened, the intrepid lady explorer led the way.
Dunno what this lot were doing on the River; looked as though they should be hunting the Snark, out on the ocean waves.
Well fed crew, on the rotund side, wouldn’t you say? Behind them came Capten’ BirdsEye, and his dog
That was one happy dog; his Master and Commander, beamed at me as they chugged through.
Smashing, just how it ought to be. Smashing.
Somehow, I will have to invent a lurid private life if I am going to keep 'In' with the In-crowd, or I can see I will be Out, with the In-crowd.
After many sittings on-the-bus-home, and having listened (unwillingly) to my fellow travellers’ phone calls, I can see that my social communications lack that tabloid sparkle.
Sometimes we get a real star turn. Like the evening when the 'whole on-the-bus-home crowd’, got transfixed by Miss ‘He-Done-Me-Wrong’
The turn lasted the entire 25 minutes journey. Lucky me, I get off at the terminus, and had to listen to the whole thing.
“Yes” she bawled “I’m going to Court, he won’t get away with this’ followed by a long diatribe about all the unspeakable things he had done. I wish she had explained a little more about the Chinese take away dinner.
With a significant lowering of the voice, she hissed “He threw it on the floor! I never told you about that.” (the Chinese take away dinner, you know)
Before we could work out all the implications, Miss ‘He-Done-Me-Wrong' continued “My mother knows what he did……she knows! “
Somehow we get the impression that ‘mother’ doesn’t want to get involved.
Wise lady.
Me and the woman on the adjoining seat, gave up pretending not to listen. What was the point, we needed ear muffs not to listen. Our star turn was in full flow, and the decibels were rising.
“The bastard! He’s going to pay!” she shrieked “I WANT JUSTICE!”
My companion giggled, without any pretence. Don’t blame her, as the diva went into top gear “When this is OVER” she continued “You and me will go on holiday and….”
Suddenly she leapt for the door, waving at the driver to stop “Can’t talk now, I have to get off.”
She fell off the bus, still yapping into her mobile. So we never knew what was going to happen on this holiday. Nope.
Out of my league, as you can guess; I belong to the “I’m on the bus, in a traffic jam” club. Yep, no hope of stardom, none at all.
I enjoy birthdays – unlike some folks, I like having them. There is however, a downside.
‘Getting older,’ you all chorus. Wrong, totally wrong. Nope, the downside is the ‘creativity’ it seems to unleash in me friends and acquaintances. It’s the golden chance to express their ‘honest’ opinions, with complete freedom.
My, how they find cards, that go for the jugular.
Here is a card I had from some friends at work, who wrote 'This reminded us of you'. I don’t think it needs any comment from me.
If you are wondering what the other cards were like…go on wondering. Not for the fainthearted, I can tell you.
I celebrated the birthday weekend by paddling the Pirate’s kayak.
This is the Pirate (or Commander as he says) before I rammed his vessel into the bank. He didn’t look so happy after that.
He said a few things, expressing his feelings in a colourful sort of way. I prefer to call it a ‘slight misalignment’. Yep, I think that covers it.And Happy Birthday to me.
