I enjoy birthdays – unlike some folks, I like having them. There is however, a downside.
‘Getting older,’ you all chorus. Wrong, totally wrong. Nope, the downside is the ‘creativity’ it seems to unleash in me friends and acquaintances. It’s the golden chance to express their ‘honest’ opinions, with complete freedom.
My, how they find cards, that go for the jugular.
Here is a card I had from some friends at work, who wrote 'This reminded us of you'. I don’t think it needs any comment from me.
If you are wondering what the other cards were like…go on wondering. Not for the fainthearted, I can tell you.
I celebrated the birthday weekend by paddling the Pirate’s kayak.
This is the Pirate (or Commander as he says) before I rammed his vessel into the bank. He didn’t look so happy after that.
He said a few things, expressing his feelings in a colourful sort of way. I prefer to call it a ‘slight misalignment’. Yep, I think that covers it.And Happy Birthday to me.
How did this holiday end?
With a damn great scream, but I digress. I have to explain the bladder wrack.
The little place where we stayed was delightful. The Pirate loved it, the shores were stuffed with bladder wrack.
He enthused over its glutinous, slimy, and gelatine qualities, its gleaming nodules, its gloopy surface. He promised with a total lack of sincerity, not to say veracity, that he would never bring the weed anywhere near me.
But I wasn’t deceived; before I got into bed, I sure checked everywhere. No weed, and the Pirate smiled. Bad news is that.
Harmony was maintained – we explored Havorfordwest, which was closed, until Easter. I mean everything was closed, and that includes the Tourist Office.
The sun shone, and we explored the lovely old castle of Manobier, near Tenby. Which was open, and didn’t seem to mind about Easter.
Who says old stories die? Wandering around the long corridors,
it’s easy to believe in these old legends. Mind you, did find some ‘lurkers’ up to no good, as usual.
A jewel of a place
Ignoring Piratical mutterings of ‘Why don’t you try out the dungeon for size?’ We finished being tourists, and headed back home.
I got back to Oxford, apparently bladder wrack free. But I forgot all those warnings you get at airports ‘Don’t let anyone tamper with your case! Don’t leave your case unattended!’
I left my suitcase unattended, I even let the Pirate put my case in the car. Silly me.
Still in post holiday haze, I opened me case.
And screamed.
There it was, a large mass of wet bladder wrack, nestling on top of me clothes, fresh as the day the Pirate had plucked it from the sea.
Needing a nice cup of tea, I picked up my mug. A large hairy spider was nestling in the bottom. I screamed some more.
I know just how this guy feels.
Yep, 100% empathy.
Me ...
Photograph: T.R. Hughes
and the Pirate
went on our hols, all the way to sunny Wales, yes it is sunny in Wales sometimes – for you Yanks, it’s the bump on the left hand side of England. That’s enough explaining for anyone.
On the last day we went exploring in the caves of Dan-yr-Ogof, no I don’t know how to say it, just splutter a bit and you’ll be fine. Don’t try it on the Welsh, they will laugh all the way to Swansea Bay.
It poured with rain, unrelenting I called it but smarty-pants Pirate called it 'persistent', so we queued in the downpour, nearly deafened by the roar and yells of the plastic Dinosaurs.
We stood behind a very soggy mum with child, as the Pirate wondered what the fearsome beasts might be up to.
“I expect it’s the Dinosaur rutting season,” he said loudly, as the soggy Mum gawped at him, and tried to protect her child from piratical language. I waited in case a little voice piped up “What is rutting, Mummy?” No such luck.
Undaunted, we confronted the dangers of Dinosaur land – even a giant Crocodile, didn’t daunt his spirits: never seen anyone about to be chewed up into little pieces, look so happy.
The caves were nicely spooky, and some of the natives…
Photograph: T.R. Hughes
were a little ‘strange’ you know.
Photograph: T.R. HughesRemarks that I must be related to some of ‘em, were ignored. If you ask me, the Pirate looked right at home, surprised they didn’t keep him, I am.
I always said he would end up in Hell……
On the way out, I was forced to have me pic taken next to Mr Drip, except that a Pink Blob child was rooted to the spot – so I kidnapped her, this child was never gonna move, no Siree.
Photograph: T.R Hughes
We finished off with a fish lunch – take my advice, go hungry, the fish was older than the Dinosaurs.
Before we took off, gave the museum a cursory look round.Can’t understand why they let the Pirate out, he would have made a nice addition to this lot.
The Missing Link maybe?
Off to see Kelly, who does things to me barnet, and mixes potions, about which she tells me now’t.
Just slaps it on me head, and leaves me to wonder what’s happening,
While I cook under the heater, we discuss life, well, men actually if you must know, and I read OK, or is it Hallo, can’t tell the difference.
“It sez here” I read out to Kelly as she arranges family life over the phone, “It sez here that you put on weight at the beginning of a relationship.”
She nods “Meaning that once he’s stopped with the flowers and the chocolates, you can loose the weight.”
I consider that one, damn, I have no quarrel with chocolate. “Pity, that” I sigh and we both stop to listen to Debbie, her assistant who is laying down the law to her beloved.He’s just had his freedom of movement revoked, and as Kelly remarks “That told him. Don’t you feel guilty Debbie?”
Debbie puts the phone down “No.”
We both look at her, hoping for an explanation. “I told him” she expands “That he could go IF he wanted, but we are supposed to be saving for the wedding, and the house.”
Yeah well, we can all read that one, even blokes can. If they want to.
Kelly surmised that tone of voice said it all, and Debbie smirked “Offered to drive him there as well.”We snigger and Kelly takes up the curling brush having remembered my hair is still unfinished.“The thing is” she pronounces “Us women are dominant” waving the brush round to prove her point “It’s true isn’t it?”
She is so right.
Debbie adds ‘Of course I trust him’ pause…’Now’ Kelly forgets about me hair and we wait for the rest.
“Used to go round his place real early, to catch him if in case he had girls there But I know he’s all right now.” Says Debbie, looking like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, all flower faced.
Flower Face adds “When we ‘re married, I’m taking his credit cards off him.”Kelly ponders her strategy if Hubby two- times her. “I’d kill him” she decides finally.
Well that would sort it out wouldn’t it?
Like Kelly sez ‘Us women are dominant.’
Yep, read this and Believe.
I may have lost a tooth, but I have not lost me bollicking marbles, no I have not
My brain cells still click over
So why do I get the Idiot’s Reception as soon as I put feet inside the bank, huh?
Confront the cashier, "I want to set up a new Debit.”
Sounds simple, does it not? Mais non, mes amies.
It seems one must proceed to the ‘Welcome’ desk.
I am met by a specially trained graduate in Smarm. She, neatly clad in executive style suit, nods and hands me a Form.
Yes all right it’s just a form.
Then I get the punch line from the smarm lady.
“Shall I fill in it for you?”
EXCUSE ME?
There is a frozen silence, and a frozen pause while I wonder if I’ve lost me hearing as well as me tooth (wisdom tooth, and any funny comments, you gets hexed)
With gritted teeth, decline, and fill in the form
ALL BY MYSELF.
Bankers..bunch of friggin’ wankers.
Yep.
