Off to see Kelly, who does things to me barnet, and mixes potions, about which she tells me now’t.
Just slaps it on me head, and leaves me to wonder what’s happening,
While I cook under the heater, we discuss life, well, men actually if you must know, and I read OK, or is it Hallo, can’t tell the difference.
“It sez here” I read out to Kelly as she arranges family life over the phone, “It sez here that you put on weight at the beginning of a relationship.”
She nods “Meaning that once he’s stopped with the flowers and the chocolates, you can loose the weight.”
I consider that one, damn, I have no quarrel with chocolate. “Pity, that” I sigh and we both stop to listen to Debbie, her assistant who is laying down the law to her beloved.He’s just had his freedom of movement revoked, and as Kelly remarks “That told him. Don’t you feel guilty Debbie?”
Debbie puts the phone down “No.”
We both look at her, hoping for an explanation. “I told him” she expands “That he could go IF he wanted, but we are supposed to be saving for the wedding, and the house.”
Yeah well, we can all read that one, even blokes can. If they want to.
Kelly surmised that tone of voice said it all, and Debbie smirked “Offered to drive him there as well.”We snigger and Kelly takes up the curling brush having remembered my hair is still unfinished.“The thing is” she pronounces “Us women are dominant” waving the brush round to prove her point “It’s true isn’t it?”
She is so right.
Debbie adds ‘Of course I trust him’ pause…’Now’ Kelly forgets about me hair and we wait for the rest.
“Used to go round his place real early, to catch him if in case he had girls there But I know he’s all right now.” Says Debbie, looking like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, all flower faced.
Flower Face adds “When we ‘re married, I’m taking his credit cards off him.”Kelly ponders her strategy if Hubby two- times her. “I’d kill him” she decides finally.
Well that would sort it out wouldn’t it?
Like Kelly sez ‘Us women are dominant.’
Yep, read this and Believe.
I may have lost a tooth, but I have not lost me bollicking marbles, no I have not
My brain cells still click over
So why do I get the Idiot’s Reception as soon as I put feet inside the bank, huh?
Confront the cashier, "I want to set up a new Debit.”
Sounds simple, does it not? Mais non, mes amies.
It seems one must proceed to the ‘Welcome’ desk.
I am met by a specially trained graduate in Smarm. She, neatly clad in executive style suit, nods and hands me a Form.
Yes all right it’s just a form.
Then I get the punch line from the smarm lady.
“Shall I fill in it for you?”
EXCUSE ME?
There is a frozen silence, and a frozen pause while I wonder if I’ve lost me hearing as well as me tooth (wisdom tooth, and any funny comments, you gets hexed)
With gritted teeth, decline, and fill in the form
ALL BY MYSELF.
Bankers..bunch of friggin’ wankers.
Yep.
One snowy afternoon in December, me and the Kraut, stormed the old fortress of Domitz. Escorted there by her parents, who managed to endure our adolescent type gigglings with considerable courage.
Built in 1230, this huge fortress could have held the entire population of the little town, and believe me buddy, there is no way you would burrow out of this place.
Forget those tunnels, forget it.
The English sauntered along in 1620, and er, well sauntered off again.
“Zee English ran away!” screeched the Kraut, giggling madly as we viewed the educational displays of the fort’s history.
“Yessh!” I hissed “But they always come back!” Her parents were very understanding and we all set off to explore the paths that ran round the fortress.
The Kraut led the way.
She was not pleased when I dawdled, snapping away with me new camera – and she made her feelings known.
“Hurry up!”
So I did and we completed the circuit and did the tour of the fort’s carefully arranged rooms – we took pictures that were not allowed, and got into trouble. The Kraut took this one.
We snuck up to the very top level, and while the guide was trying to catch us, took another illicit pic – it’s a long way down. (shot by..CENSORED)
The snow gave everything a very Dr Zhivago touch, and Britta got the starring role. Drat, why ain’t I a blonde?
Omar Sharif, eat your heart out, ain’t she a peach?
Met the mad Pole on the bus the other day – bad move, should have hidden under the seat.
Don’t get me wrong, Jolenta is a great girl but she’s Polish, and she’s nuts – put it this way, you have to be full of vitamin fortified oats to deal with Jolenta or you end up in hospital.
Charm itself, much like the Kraut, but you have never seen how one slightly built person can do so much damage in a few seconds.
I used to work with the mad Pole – watching her arrive was a side show in its own right. For one thing she didn’t just arrive, she kinda staggered in. That’s because Jolenta didn’t wear just one coat, I’m pretty sure it averaged about 3.
In case she got cold you know, and that includes summer.
Work couldn’t start until she had unwrapped herself, with 3 coats and a shawl or two, it took a bit of time, did that, so me and the other girl used to have coffee and a chat. Of course it was impossible for the Pole not to add her four groats, and the coats took even longer to come off.
And then, no, no, not work, then the green tea had to be infused. Or rather it was hot water with these weed things floating in the bottom of the pot, like green snakes.
I never drank it, kept to the PG tips thank you.
Like I said, I met Jolenta on the bus the other day – I think she only knocked over one passenger on her way out.
Pity she didn’t see the chap waiting at the bus stop: he took a dive, hope he didn’t crack his nose too bad. Yep.
It’s that time of year when our New Year good intentions get a bit tarnished – but I only made one resolution, and you can be damn sure it had nothing to do with giving up chocolates. Or the booze.
I found a couple that, for some reason I can relate to
1) We will not invade Earth again- aliens from practically all of 1996's SF movies (Independence Day, Mars Attacks and even Star Trek: First Contact)
2) I will read criminals their rights before destroying them - E. E. Doc Smith's Kimball Kinnison
Way to go Baby!!I have resolved, and it was easy to do so, never to watch Big Brother. One glance at the web, and even the dailies, is enough to convince me that I know everything I ever wanted to know about George Galloway. 
Even the Speaker of the House of Commons commented on George’s strange party habits, saying he would watch the programme ‘when he had time’
Don’t bother Mr. Speaker, the House is full of ‘interesting’ characters as it is.
But full marks to BBC2 and the new series of ‘Who do you think you are?’ Brilliant stuff, and the first one with Jeremy Paxman was a cracker. Of course, it’s a bit of window gazing into other folk’s backyards, but fascinating to watch the process of investigating your family tree, and Mr. Paxman himself, was a star turn.
For one thing he ticked the reporter off for asking silly questions – this is Jeremy you know, who is not a fluff-brain, serve the Beeb man right, so it did. Paxman’s reactions to some of the story he uncovered would hit a chord with most of us I guess – got me a bit as well.
‘Cause of Death – Consumption and Exhaustion’ She was 35. Like Paxman said ‘Don’t know we're born, do we?’
Me and the hairdresser agreed – Christmas had been a riot, we had both enjoyed ourselves far too well. And as Kelly pointed out, I had started my Christmas a good fortnight before everyone else.
She didn’t have to mention that – All right, may have tackled the gluvin a shade too enthusiastic like, but my buddy over in Rostock takes the blame for that.I muttered under the hairdryer, and listened to Kelly expounding the virtues of a de-tox diet.
It sounded horrible, I think I’d rather be pickled.
I regarded the interesting coloured streaks in me barnet, and hoped to God, she had picked up the right bottle.Kelly is well into these diet thingies, and I was nearly tempted – but not much, lots of Christmas goodies still stashed back in the kitchen.
We gazed at a magazine pic of Posh B, and agreed she was a stick insect – that’s one thing you could never accuse me of, and I agreed with me hairdresser that life is too short to worry. Of course the next time I get ideas about slipping into something slinky, I won’t be saying that, but it’s peace for now, brothers and sisters. But there’s more to life than chocolate (not much I agree)Today I signed up for the German Language programme online, ‘BBC Steps.’ I hafta get a few verbal swipes back at the Kraut in her own lingo. The first lesson is ‘Flughafen Tegel. Ankunft.’
(Tegel Airport. Arrivals.)Bugger, I need stronger stuff than ‘Guten Tag. Freut mich.’
(Hello. Pleased to meet you.)I require punchyness, I want verbal oomph.
Freut mich then.
The Kraut and I wanted the bright lights
We hit the fair with big ambitions, and the Big Wheel was the biz.
I loved it, we went up about 3 times that day and took photos like we were the flying women of Rostock. We looked down , yep, it was a long way down.
It was all the Kraut's fault.. the whole thing was her fault; left to my own devices I would not have gone wandering round Dracula's little place.
But Herself had ideas.
"Let's go there this evening" she hissed, all bright eyed.
So we did. After a helping mug of gluvine.
Herself did not approve of being jumped by the ticket guy, whose job it is, to scare the punters. It was OK when they did it to me. I screamed of course, and she thought that was ever so funny. Herself, screamed pretty good.
Plunged into darkness, we sorta flew over a trap door....and a hand grabs my foot. I screeched good and proper.
The Kraut was smugness itself "Of course I drew my feet up, it was a trap door." I protested that she could have warned me
"Of course something is going to come out of a trap door" she explained patiently.
Of course, silly me, its a trapdoor. Thanks Drac, thanks.
